Thursday, September 12, 2013

Thinking of having another baby

I have been thinking a lot about having another baby lately.

Part of it is due to peer pressure – I see friends and families getting pregnant and having babies like all year round (!), but mostly it is due to me really missing the sight of a baby, the bond, the baby smell, breastfeeding and whatnots. I also feel that Bella needs a friend at home too, someone to share her toys with, someone to make memories with.

I never thought that I would miss having a baby this much, but really I do.

Although when I really come to think of the process – the part where I have to endure labor again – well, it still brings back scary memories.

Yes, I am still ever so grateful to God that Bella and I made it, no doubt about that. But when I start thinking about my experience again, I could not help but to think way too much to the point that I scare myself. I begin asking too many “what if” negative questions.

You see, my first experience with giving birth is not a pretty one. If you have read about Bella’s birth before, you know that I had an emergency caesarean section.

Back then C-Section was the last thing on my mind; I blame myself for not preparing for it. I was looking forward for a natural, normal birthing experience but it did not happen. Perhaps I was too naïve.

I remember feeling frustrated with the circumstances, but I thank God again that I manage to pull myself together and focus on my newborn. Only God knows how I felt that time, everything just did not go my way.

During my pregnancy with Bella, I had hypertension when I hit my 2nd trimester - something that came out of nowhere. Due to my consistent high blood pressure, I was asked by my gynae to have an induction at 38th week. I remember that time I did not have any contractions yet, and deep inside I know that my body was not ready for labor.

I went anyway.

After more than 24 hours of induction, my baby went into foetal distress. After a short period of monitoring, I was asked to sign for a C-section. At that point of time I was already in so much pain, but my cervix was barely dilated to 5cm.

I went into c-section down under – that’s general anaesthetic. When I woke up I was so weak, and that also disturbed my plans of breastfeeding my baby early. Bella was already fed with formula when I woke up and met her.

I am not blaming anyone, but with all this experience, it makes me want to have a better pregnancy next time.

It also makes overthink things.

Things like can I go through pregnancy with my husband still working far from home? Can I manage it with a 3 year old child under my care?

Things like how do I ensure that I do not get hypertension again? Should I start eating more healthily and keep my fitness in check?  Who is my next gynae – can I find one who can support me with my goals?

Can I try for normal birth after a c-section? If I do get hypertension again, what are my chances of a normal delivery? Can I even consider natural birthing or waterbirthing? What if everything fails again?

See? I think too much. Sometimes when I sit down alone thinking about it, I conclude my thoughts with “nah, maybe not now”.

And then the longing came again, and I went into the same cycle of thought.

It was tiring.

Until one day, I came to a realization - If I am going to go through the same thought again and again, I won’t go anywhere.

Life is about taking chances anyway.

There is no way that I can predict the future, but I am in control of my present. And with that, I opened up and get more positive.

I came to know that there is a strong support system for mothers who are going for normal delivery after c-section in Malaysia, I even have friends who made it through.

So I’ll start there.

I am still nervous though. But hubby and I, we are officially now off-protection (if you know what I mean). Haha.

We have made a decision to not pressure ourselves for a baby, but if God is willing and He grants me another pregnancy, we are kind of ready to take the ride.

9 comments:

hana said...

I had the same issues too previously. The how why and what seems glued to my head. But yuni, everything happened for a reason. Just go with the flow k.

InsyaAllah.. Wishing u all the best! :-)

Cieri said...

Salam Yuni

I also had emergency C-sect and it was unplanned. I didnt get myself ready for it as I hoped and wanted for a normal (gentle aha!) delivery. But well,God planned something else for me.

so since then, I start studying about VBAC and preparing myself for a VBAC. I am not pregnant yet and not planning to get pregnant at least till next year's Sept(My LO will be 2 by then) but I think to get a successful VBAC, we need to get ready ASAP.
My friend achieved her VBAC 6 months ago and that gave me more semangat.
so goodluck!!!

Nadine said...

Yuni,

My first born was a planned c-sect because during the last checkup my gynae found out that my birth canal is too narrow and the baby was too big. she advised me to have my next baby 2.2kg below in order for me to have a normal delivery.

I did managed to have babies with 2kg and 2.2kg during my second pregnancy so at first I was happy that I got the chance to born them naturally. BUT, during the last few weeks, one of my babies was in breech position and it didn't changed until the final week of delivery. It ended up with c-sect again! :P

Well, we can only plan, but Allah Knows Best :). Everything happened for a reason, so don't think too much k! Just go with the flow and eventually u'll make it, insyaAllah.

All the best and hope to hear good news from you,soon! Ameen :)

Ayuni Ayatillah said...

Thank you for sharing your experience and the well wishes, ladies :)

I'll go with the flow now, hoping that it takes me to the right place at the right time. Insya Allah :)

J@ja said...

The thought of giving birth always scared me with the possibilities, especially the one not in our plan. I was blessed with normal delivery for my first 2 children, but I still feel anxious every time the thought of next pregnancy hits me. Nonetheless we must understand that this is also about rezeki. And please it is not a competition or a comparison subject whereby some feel so grand for having a smooth normal delivery.

All the best Yuni & friends out there.Semoga sentiasa di dalam rahmahNya :)

Ayuni Ayatillah said...

Thanks for your thoughts Jaja. I do pray the same for you too :)

Mama Haraz said...

Baby plans sounds awesoome! Stay positive and healthy, and keep with your prayers, after all He knows whats best for us kan ;) w
orrying will take us nowhere, but we can't help it hi hi Try to keep it a minimum.

I'm sure Bella will make a cute kakak.

Xiet_Enigma said...

Hi,

I first time comment here. been following ur IG for quite sometimes already :)

I've succeed my VBAC last year. not a good birth experience though, but alhamdulillah, i'm blessed!

my hubby was thousands miles away when i was preggy n also after i deliver the baby. and i have a 3yo boy to take care of too. wasnt easy. i remember my confinement was soooo bad. but after a while things just got better. or maybe not, but we just used to it.

so inshaAllah dear, with strong determination, research and preparation, u can achieve ur dream... :) may Allah ease ur way :)

Ayuni Ayatillah said...

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers Mama Haraz and Xiet :)

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